Love at first sight often turns out to be the fallacy or the one you aren't destined to have. Ahhh, yes, it's nice to feel in like again and be swept up. I think I am crazy. These emotions may or may not be for this new found love. They are way too familiar, like the boys I like in elementary school, lol. I've learned that there's a particular persona that immediately attracts me and I'm lured in by his self-assured missing details and brief exchanges of almost something.
These are the men that would've changed my life, if they'd paid attention, lol. Why? B/c it was beyond infatuation and not obsessive. I didn't have a million pictures of them plastered all over my walls. They just consumed my thoughts and conversation, so much so until I built my own relationship with him. The truth was that he didn't learn to see me in that light for many, many years. I was patient and watched as he dated others. Once my heart has chosen, others just fall to the side. These are the 1st loves of my life, the ones I may or may not be over. The residue of thier personalities wells up in many of the men I've dated since meeting him.
Let me clarify. Others would see me as terribly infatuated and setting myself up for heartbreak. I'm not sure if I totally agree with them or not. I have always know the type of man that I intent to spend my time with. I have dated all types of men, but I usually return to the same kinds of men. Some, within this category, are nice and some are fully living for themselves. The guys who find me attractive are often not attractive to me. So, I go for what I know, lol.
This episode is on the heels of my realizing that it's okay for me to say what I feel and not attach any reciprocity to it. I'm just expressing myself and it's okay. It's momentary and may not last longer than it took to write or say it. I feel good about myself. Yup, I said it.
So, meeting people is a good thing now and I stray away fm the online exchanges as much. No matter where or how I met him, there's always more to the story. It's not always bad, lol. I a learning to allow myself time to be me, but not to waste it on someone who really can't understand. Do I think this new guy is a waste? Yes and no. He is who he is and that's why I fell. That's probably why I'll walk away, too.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
What's your comfort level?
In a relationship? Are you a touchy-feely person, who needs someone around all the time? Are you one who sincerely appreciates space and respects the other person's life choices? Are you a control freak or afraid of intimacy?
I had a conversation with a friend, who asked me what types of relationships I'd been in previously. What I discovered was that distance has been a staple with me and it's the way I prefer my relationships. She thought I was wierd for not desiring that constant touch or interaction. I've never really had that, even when I was married. We spent more time living seperately than together. I have never lived with a man, although one lived with me briefly. Living with a man always meant that he didn't want to marry me, so I refused. It also allowed me my autonomy, my own space. I truly didn't want to share my house/myself with a man, even with being married. I'm not saying I didn't love him or buy his dreams. I just couldn't live with him.
This probably stems fm the fact that my mother never married and lived with my grandmother, until she died. I have siblings, but I lived as an only child. And, yes, I had roommates in college. We lived seperate lives. I was never in my room, so my space was utilitarian at best. This is not to say that, at different times in life, I haven't lived with family members. I have and it didn't go as well as I would have hoped. I was still very selfish and didn't do my part. I was focused on everything else but participating in the home life. When my grandmother died, I only held onto a few traditions, until recently. I just didn't want to be there or anywhere. I didn't really care. Home was wherever I landed. A sense of belonging only flourished in Baltimore, where I went to college, and now, in Greensboro.
I graduated in 1994. I started a Masters of Arts in Teaching program, right after I graduated, but left for a variety of reasons. I had a little voice, in the back of my head, telling me I couldn't teach. I was desperately in love with my college sweetheart and wanted to be with him. The program was racist and I had had my fill of racism. I just wanted to escape fm my destiny.
I don't think now that men are the only ones who don't want to settle down until later on in life. Although I'd accomplished things, I wasn't a wife. I did most of it right. I constantly waned between being a single parent and remaining married. Single parenting what my mother did. I knew I could do it. I developed a fowl aftertaste for how she did it. I set out to do it better than she did and embraced a whole different set of values.
So, my comfort level is changing now. I know that everything is a choice, no matter how much we convince ourselves it isn't. I am comfortable living a distance away from my family and that's okay. I am not as comfortable living away fm my friends. I am comfortable with some areas of my life and not others. That's okay. I am learning to go to the places that cause me pain and get to the source. I am human and still hold onto memories and resentment that I needn't be attached to. Ironically, now, the lessons, that were taught to me as a child, are applicable today. I'm ready to make my own home with my children and a man. Submission isn't about the other person being right all the time. It's so much larger than that. my mother taught me to be stubborn, lol. I missed that she didn't teach me how to be soft.
Most of the women I admire are very strong, outspoken and loving women. They wipe away tears and lead you toward your destiny. They inspire your soul. They bring your tears so you can be cleansed. And, yes, they cry for and with you. They hug you. They embrace you. They are wives and mothers, in the most intimate sense. It's taken me over 20 years to understand what they each couldn't say. There's a balance to your life and you decide what your focus will be that day. It may seem like they do it all, but they each have specialities and get help when they need it. They had a mix of simplicity and righteousness. Certain things were just right. I'm almost to that place where my life is right for me and mine. I'm settling into adulthood now. Maybe I am a late bloomer.
I had a conversation with a friend, who asked me what types of relationships I'd been in previously. What I discovered was that distance has been a staple with me and it's the way I prefer my relationships. She thought I was wierd for not desiring that constant touch or interaction. I've never really had that, even when I was married. We spent more time living seperately than together. I have never lived with a man, although one lived with me briefly. Living with a man always meant that he didn't want to marry me, so I refused. It also allowed me my autonomy, my own space. I truly didn't want to share my house/myself with a man, even with being married. I'm not saying I didn't love him or buy his dreams. I just couldn't live with him.
This probably stems fm the fact that my mother never married and lived with my grandmother, until she died. I have siblings, but I lived as an only child. And, yes, I had roommates in college. We lived seperate lives. I was never in my room, so my space was utilitarian at best. This is not to say that, at different times in life, I haven't lived with family members. I have and it didn't go as well as I would have hoped. I was still very selfish and didn't do my part. I was focused on everything else but participating in the home life. When my grandmother died, I only held onto a few traditions, until recently. I just didn't want to be there or anywhere. I didn't really care. Home was wherever I landed. A sense of belonging only flourished in Baltimore, where I went to college, and now, in Greensboro.
I graduated in 1994. I started a Masters of Arts in Teaching program, right after I graduated, but left for a variety of reasons. I had a little voice, in the back of my head, telling me I couldn't teach. I was desperately in love with my college sweetheart and wanted to be with him. The program was racist and I had had my fill of racism. I just wanted to escape fm my destiny.
I don't think now that men are the only ones who don't want to settle down until later on in life. Although I'd accomplished things, I wasn't a wife. I did most of it right. I constantly waned between being a single parent and remaining married. Single parenting what my mother did. I knew I could do it. I developed a fowl aftertaste for how she did it. I set out to do it better than she did and embraced a whole different set of values.
So, my comfort level is changing now. I know that everything is a choice, no matter how much we convince ourselves it isn't. I am comfortable living a distance away from my family and that's okay. I am not as comfortable living away fm my friends. I am comfortable with some areas of my life and not others. That's okay. I am learning to go to the places that cause me pain and get to the source. I am human and still hold onto memories and resentment that I needn't be attached to. Ironically, now, the lessons, that were taught to me as a child, are applicable today. I'm ready to make my own home with my children and a man. Submission isn't about the other person being right all the time. It's so much larger than that. my mother taught me to be stubborn, lol. I missed that she didn't teach me how to be soft.
Most of the women I admire are very strong, outspoken and loving women. They wipe away tears and lead you toward your destiny. They inspire your soul. They bring your tears so you can be cleansed. And, yes, they cry for and with you. They hug you. They embrace you. They are wives and mothers, in the most intimate sense. It's taken me over 20 years to understand what they each couldn't say. There's a balance to your life and you decide what your focus will be that day. It may seem like they do it all, but they each have specialities and get help when they need it. They had a mix of simplicity and righteousness. Certain things were just right. I'm almost to that place where my life is right for me and mine. I'm settling into adulthood now. Maybe I am a late bloomer.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Do you really know the power of intention?
Wow. I've been bombarded, it seems, with various signs that confirm desires and/or dreams I've held since childhood. I am truly amazed with the sense of peace I have now, after all of these years. After speaking with a friend, my issue is that I expected the problem to change, just because the location changed. NOT!! It's so much more difficult to journey internally than to pack up and move. It's harder to say to someone you care about that the words they speak are painful.
This past weekend, I was truly challenged to see the good in many of my choices and to remember my consequences. I cannot control genetics or how they manifest in my children. I cannot control when and if someone else works to enlightment me on an old subject. I can't escape the consequences by hanging out with people who really don't reflect who I am. I can't make it right by seeking solace in people who have consistently hurt me. I am inflicting way more pain than I deserve.
I never intended to hurt myself like this. However, feelings of serious abandonment and tokenism have eroded alot of my self-esteem. I never really felt good enough. It's only now, in my 37th year, that I sit with these feelings and see the source. I never allowed myself to really feel/experience the feelings and then let them go. I lived vicariously, until it got to where I couldn't either run from it or bury it.
I always intended to be a teacher and the founder of a school, much like my HS. My grandmother and my great-great aunt were teachers. We all share the same first name. Education was a passion for me, even in elementary school. I allowed other people to tell me what I couldn't do. I also used marriage and divorce as a way to escape fm my long-term goals. I idolized my teachers. It was that fire that brought me back to teach at my HS. I knew I could really reach the girls, b/c I had been there.
Now, the opportunity presents itself again, for me to really step back into myself. I see the interconnectedness between my new church home and a local private school. The minister is also a teacher. The counselor at my daughter's middle school could pass for my grandmother's twin. My English prof, last semester, asked me why I was there, if my goals were so different. I even spoke with another friend who asked me why I wasn't building my own school!!!
I have been afraid to be a teacher, especially an English teacher, b/c I have so much to learn and so much to impart. I love the English language and literature. I am a poet. I didn't believe I had the authority to truly impart my passion within a structured environment. I always thought of myself as an artist who could teach, not as a teacher who is an artist. My mother became my anti-teaching catalyst, b/c she rarely shared a love of the work she did for 17 years. She accomplished some things, but not what she desired. I truly do not want to ever walk away fm a job without some sense of satisfaction. So now, I sit, on the brink of sending out resumes to teach again.
I left an MAT program, b/c I really wanted to do something different. I sold books and magazines door-to-door. I got married. He joined the Marines. We had a child. We got divorced. I immediately went back to teaching. Then, after a year or so, I decided I needed a change and joined the Coast Guard. Even though I was in administration, my passion came from teaching my shipmates about mulitculturalism. After a 3 year hiatus, I went to work in a daycare center, as an administrator. Yes, I was in the classroom, too. I worked there for 3 years. Although I'm not a fan of teaching the little ones, I know how important it is.
I moved to Greensboro with the intention of getting my MFA in poetry, which changed to an MA in Liberal Studies, and settled into a teaching license in English. I wasn't comfy with giving up on the Masters, at all, but I had to do something. I also worked part-time, at another daycare center, where I was, again, a teacher. I was frustrated that I was hired as the Asst. Director and ended up teaching. I was also frustrated that what I was teaching had no curriculum. I just felt like it wasn't the right fit.
I've applied to all kinds of jobs, mostly in educational administration. I am challenged to see myself outside of education. My former boss consistently worked to put me in a classroom and I was very resistent. My issue was the age of the children, not the subject matter. So, coming full circle, I "discover" an MAT program with teacher licensure in English through NC State and positions are opening up in the public schools near me.
Things that are making me go Hmmmm.
This past weekend, I was truly challenged to see the good in many of my choices and to remember my consequences. I cannot control genetics or how they manifest in my children. I cannot control when and if someone else works to enlightment me on an old subject. I can't escape the consequences by hanging out with people who really don't reflect who I am. I can't make it right by seeking solace in people who have consistently hurt me. I am inflicting way more pain than I deserve.
I never intended to hurt myself like this. However, feelings of serious abandonment and tokenism have eroded alot of my self-esteem. I never really felt good enough. It's only now, in my 37th year, that I sit with these feelings and see the source. I never allowed myself to really feel/experience the feelings and then let them go. I lived vicariously, until it got to where I couldn't either run from it or bury it.
I always intended to be a teacher and the founder of a school, much like my HS. My grandmother and my great-great aunt were teachers. We all share the same first name. Education was a passion for me, even in elementary school. I allowed other people to tell me what I couldn't do. I also used marriage and divorce as a way to escape fm my long-term goals. I idolized my teachers. It was that fire that brought me back to teach at my HS. I knew I could really reach the girls, b/c I had been there.
Now, the opportunity presents itself again, for me to really step back into myself. I see the interconnectedness between my new church home and a local private school. The minister is also a teacher. The counselor at my daughter's middle school could pass for my grandmother's twin. My English prof, last semester, asked me why I was there, if my goals were so different. I even spoke with another friend who asked me why I wasn't building my own school!!!
I have been afraid to be a teacher, especially an English teacher, b/c I have so much to learn and so much to impart. I love the English language and literature. I am a poet. I didn't believe I had the authority to truly impart my passion within a structured environment. I always thought of myself as an artist who could teach, not as a teacher who is an artist. My mother became my anti-teaching catalyst, b/c she rarely shared a love of the work she did for 17 years. She accomplished some things, but not what she desired. I truly do not want to ever walk away fm a job without some sense of satisfaction. So now, I sit, on the brink of sending out resumes to teach again.
I left an MAT program, b/c I really wanted to do something different. I sold books and magazines door-to-door. I got married. He joined the Marines. We had a child. We got divorced. I immediately went back to teaching. Then, after a year or so, I decided I needed a change and joined the Coast Guard. Even though I was in administration, my passion came from teaching my shipmates about mulitculturalism. After a 3 year hiatus, I went to work in a daycare center, as an administrator. Yes, I was in the classroom, too. I worked there for 3 years. Although I'm not a fan of teaching the little ones, I know how important it is.
I moved to Greensboro with the intention of getting my MFA in poetry, which changed to an MA in Liberal Studies, and settled into a teaching license in English. I wasn't comfy with giving up on the Masters, at all, but I had to do something. I also worked part-time, at another daycare center, where I was, again, a teacher. I was frustrated that I was hired as the Asst. Director and ended up teaching. I was also frustrated that what I was teaching had no curriculum. I just felt like it wasn't the right fit.
I've applied to all kinds of jobs, mostly in educational administration. I am challenged to see myself outside of education. My former boss consistently worked to put me in a classroom and I was very resistent. My issue was the age of the children, not the subject matter. So, coming full circle, I "discover" an MAT program with teacher licensure in English through NC State and positions are opening up in the public schools near me.
Things that are making me go Hmmmm.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
What are your Core Values?
As I was reading another blog, something began to, yet again, resonate with me. I have consistently been in organizations, whether military or academic, that have held certain core values. This goes far beyond Mottos, including "As we grow in Age, may we grow in Grace" or "Semper Paratis" or "AMDG". These institutions valued integrity.
By Webster's, Integrity is defined as: 1. the quality or state of being complete; unbroken condition, wholeness 3. the quality or state of being of being of sound moral principle,; uprightness, honesty, and sincerity.
I am in love with the first definition. It speaks so loudly as to how I envision living my life. Honesty and sincerity have been almost as fibrous to me as my own muscles. Unfortunately, I learned to be less and less honest, both with myself and others around me. I used the convenient masks of omission or avoidance, inappropriate timing or "something told me not to". I have wasted so much energy by denying my own truth and integrity. It amazes me.
Whenever a new person walks into my life, I have to ask myself(God) if this is a reason, a season, or a lifetime friend? When I take the time to be still, I find that many of what I thought were lifetime friends were not. I was not willing to let go and have some integrity about myself. I chose to hang on, yelling and screaming, until the parting was more like Ike and Tina, less like bittersweet sorrow. Again, this brings me back to ask what do I really value? Others ask why and I easily could give a laundry list of experiences. That isn't my point. I know life teaches me lessons. When we don't listen, the lessons get harder.
It takes a lot of strength to walk away from any person or situation that really doesn't reflect who you are. If you feel at odds with a friend, family member or spouse, maybe it's time to be still and listen to yourself/God. I am grateful for those who see me beyond the growing pains and love me for the person I am, in this moment and not last year or 20 years ago.
It takes integrity to create a life that is consistently fill with objects, events and people who value the simplicity in being honest and sincere. These expressions go hand in hand with a person's sense of peace and belonging. If you are passionate about something and it brings joy, stay. Although others in your life may have a good opinions, the only one that really counts is your own.
Integrity says to me that everything I do, I will do to the best of my ability without regret. I believe that is what God says to each of us. Do the best you can and I will handle the rest. Sin is when you chose to do things half-heartedly and without sincere effort. If I make a mis-take, I will learn from it and move on. I will not hang on to either the mistake or it's consequences. I will remain present in everything I do. Integrity reminds me to tackle one thing at a time, one day at a time and enjoy it.
By Webster's, Integrity is defined as: 1. the quality or state of being complete; unbroken condition, wholeness 3. the quality or state of being of being of sound moral principle,; uprightness, honesty, and sincerity.
I am in love with the first definition. It speaks so loudly as to how I envision living my life. Honesty and sincerity have been almost as fibrous to me as my own muscles. Unfortunately, I learned to be less and less honest, both with myself and others around me. I used the convenient masks of omission or avoidance, inappropriate timing or "something told me not to". I have wasted so much energy by denying my own truth and integrity. It amazes me.
Whenever a new person walks into my life, I have to ask myself(God) if this is a reason, a season, or a lifetime friend? When I take the time to be still, I find that many of what I thought were lifetime friends were not. I was not willing to let go and have some integrity about myself. I chose to hang on, yelling and screaming, until the parting was more like Ike and Tina, less like bittersweet sorrow. Again, this brings me back to ask what do I really value? Others ask why and I easily could give a laundry list of experiences. That isn't my point. I know life teaches me lessons. When we don't listen, the lessons get harder.
It takes a lot of strength to walk away from any person or situation that really doesn't reflect who you are. If you feel at odds with a friend, family member or spouse, maybe it's time to be still and listen to yourself/God. I am grateful for those who see me beyond the growing pains and love me for the person I am, in this moment and not last year or 20 years ago.
It takes integrity to create a life that is consistently fill with objects, events and people who value the simplicity in being honest and sincere. These expressions go hand in hand with a person's sense of peace and belonging. If you are passionate about something and it brings joy, stay. Although others in your life may have a good opinions, the only one that really counts is your own.
Integrity says to me that everything I do, I will do to the best of my ability without regret. I believe that is what God says to each of us. Do the best you can and I will handle the rest. Sin is when you chose to do things half-heartedly and without sincere effort. If I make a mis-take, I will learn from it and move on. I will not hang on to either the mistake or it's consequences. I will remain present in everything I do. Integrity reminds me to tackle one thing at a time, one day at a time and enjoy it.
Monday, August 17, 2009
You Can Only Draw to Yourself What You Already Are
Hmmmm. Another resonating thought. It lingers not only, because I am taking inventory of my life, but I am also very aware of the patterns of attraction. When we are empty, we attract empty people. When we consistently feel worthless and internalize negative comments, we attract people and situations that really are negative or well beneath who we really are. Even as I work to have empowering conversations with various friends, I realize that each has needs that I cannot fulfill. Each has to chose to grapple with whatever is holding him/her back.
This is especially true as singles peruse various websites and use them. Each one offers a slightly different pool of prospect dates. Why do we use these sites? Convenience? Many of us have fallen into the trap of modernity and the world wide web. Intimacy cannot be created, no matter how simulated, through a machine. Therefore, relationships are built on real contact, real conversations, and real exchanges of human touch. Dating websites create the facade of safety, because there's a screening process. Whoopee! It isn't very difficult to create a program that will match people based on some random characteristics. Online dating can be a wonderful way to "meet" people and determine if you really want to have a face-to-face interaction.
Online Dating Tips:
I've learned to lower my expectations. Those who read my profile may or may not understand my intentions or even have read the entire thing.
I've learned to read each person's profile before responding and to let him know immediately how I do things. It is, then, up to him to chose to play along. Those that rush me are out. Those that work to manipulate the rules are out, too. (These are early signs, for me, huge red flags)
I have a certain standard that I look for. I'm attracted to a variety of men. However, there is a certain type that creates chemistry. I refuse to waste my energy on someone I'm not attracted to and his.
I've learned to take my time, even when I think he is a good person to date. I need to know more about a person, before we exchange phone numbers and meet.
I give myself a month of consistent talking online, before I actually have a conversation. And then, I take my time in meeting you. It may take another month or more before the first date.
In the end, each of us has to chose to look at ourselves, before we go looking for a prospective date or mate. He can't fix you, even if you try to fix everyone else's mess. You have to fix it yourself. Then, you will be able to look at dating, online or in person, as "it is what it is".
This is especially true as singles peruse various websites and use them. Each one offers a slightly different pool of prospect dates. Why do we use these sites? Convenience? Many of us have fallen into the trap of modernity and the world wide web. Intimacy cannot be created, no matter how simulated, through a machine. Therefore, relationships are built on real contact, real conversations, and real exchanges of human touch. Dating websites create the facade of safety, because there's a screening process. Whoopee! It isn't very difficult to create a program that will match people based on some random characteristics. Online dating can be a wonderful way to "meet" people and determine if you really want to have a face-to-face interaction.
Online Dating Tips:
I've learned to lower my expectations. Those who read my profile may or may not understand my intentions or even have read the entire thing.
I've learned to read each person's profile before responding and to let him know immediately how I do things. It is, then, up to him to chose to play along. Those that rush me are out. Those that work to manipulate the rules are out, too. (These are early signs, for me, huge red flags)
I have a certain standard that I look for. I'm attracted to a variety of men. However, there is a certain type that creates chemistry. I refuse to waste my energy on someone I'm not attracted to and his.
I've learned to take my time, even when I think he is a good person to date. I need to know more about a person, before we exchange phone numbers and meet.
I give myself a month of consistent talking online, before I actually have a conversation. And then, I take my time in meeting you. It may take another month or more before the first date.
In the end, each of us has to chose to look at ourselves, before we go looking for a prospective date or mate. He can't fix you, even if you try to fix everyone else's mess. You have to fix it yourself. Then, you will be able to look at dating, online or in person, as "it is what it is".
OPINION: Are Hood Books Real Literature? | NewsOne
This question speaks to the core of who I am, both as a writer and as an African-American. There are a great number of prolific writers in urban circumstances, ie the 'hood. I have discovered and encouraged a couple. However, that doesn't mean I will invest in some of these writers, no matter how popular or if all of my friends are reading him/her. I am very specific when I buy books and 'hood books have never had any appeal. Maybe, it's the characterizations and plot. Maybe, it's that I grew up very differently. Even with my craving fascination with almost everything urban, I can't bring myself to support even those with whom I have something in common.
OPINION: Are Hood Books Real Literature? NewsOne
OPINION: Are Hood Books Real Literature? NewsOne
Have you Seen Benjamin Button's Mom Lately? - Men's Fitness
I find this advice priceless. Taraji embodies that spunk that makes her curiously approachable and she speaks with life's authority. Read and hear her truth.
Have you Seen Benjamin Button's Mom Lately? - Men's Fitness
Have you Seen Benjamin Button's Mom Lately? - Men's Fitness
Dating 101: The 7 Biggest Misuses of Texting -- Yahoo! Personals
Modern dating and devices go hand in hand, right? Wrong! There's still etiquette, appropriate boundaries, and just plain conversation. I am so glad that a man wrote this article. It was the exact same conversation I've had. It's amazing. For all of my sisterfriends and brothermen, this article says it much better than I ever will be able.
Dating 101: The 7 Biggest Misuses of Texting -- Yahoo! Personals
Dating 101: The 7 Biggest Misuses of Texting -- Yahoo! Personals
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