In a relationship? Are you a touchy-feely person, who needs someone around all the time? Are you one who sincerely appreciates space and respects the other person's life choices? Are you a control freak or afraid of intimacy?
I had a conversation with a friend, who asked me what types of relationships I'd been in previously. What I discovered was that distance has been a staple with me and it's the way I prefer my relationships. She thought I was wierd for not desiring that constant touch or interaction. I've never really had that, even when I was married. We spent more time living seperately than together. I have never lived with a man, although one lived with me briefly. Living with a man always meant that he didn't want to marry me, so I refused. It also allowed me my autonomy, my own space. I truly didn't want to share my house/myself with a man, even with being married. I'm not saying I didn't love him or buy his dreams. I just couldn't live with him.
This probably stems fm the fact that my mother never married and lived with my grandmother, until she died. I have siblings, but I lived as an only child. And, yes, I had roommates in college. We lived seperate lives. I was never in my room, so my space was utilitarian at best. This is not to say that, at different times in life, I haven't lived with family members. I have and it didn't go as well as I would have hoped. I was still very selfish and didn't do my part. I was focused on everything else but participating in the home life. When my grandmother died, I only held onto a few traditions, until recently. I just didn't want to be there or anywhere. I didn't really care. Home was wherever I landed. A sense of belonging only flourished in Baltimore, where I went to college, and now, in Greensboro.
I graduated in 1994. I started a Masters of Arts in Teaching program, right after I graduated, but left for a variety of reasons. I had a little voice, in the back of my head, telling me I couldn't teach. I was desperately in love with my college sweetheart and wanted to be with him. The program was racist and I had had my fill of racism. I just wanted to escape fm my destiny.
I don't think now that men are the only ones who don't want to settle down until later on in life. Although I'd accomplished things, I wasn't a wife. I did most of it right. I constantly waned between being a single parent and remaining married. Single parenting what my mother did. I knew I could do it. I developed a fowl aftertaste for how she did it. I set out to do it better than she did and embraced a whole different set of values.
So, my comfort level is changing now. I know that everything is a choice, no matter how much we convince ourselves it isn't. I am comfortable living a distance away from my family and that's okay. I am not as comfortable living away fm my friends. I am comfortable with some areas of my life and not others. That's okay. I am learning to go to the places that cause me pain and get to the source. I am human and still hold onto memories and resentment that I needn't be attached to. Ironically, now, the lessons, that were taught to me as a child, are applicable today. I'm ready to make my own home with my children and a man. Submission isn't about the other person being right all the time. It's so much larger than that. my mother taught me to be stubborn, lol. I missed that she didn't teach me how to be soft.
Most of the women I admire are very strong, outspoken and loving women. They wipe away tears and lead you toward your destiny. They inspire your soul. They bring your tears so you can be cleansed. And, yes, they cry for and with you. They hug you. They embrace you. They are wives and mothers, in the most intimate sense. It's taken me over 20 years to understand what they each couldn't say. There's a balance to your life and you decide what your focus will be that day. It may seem like they do it all, but they each have specialities and get help when they need it. They had a mix of simplicity and righteousness. Certain things were just right. I'm almost to that place where my life is right for me and mine. I'm settling into adulthood now. Maybe I am a late bloomer.
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