Wow. I've been bombarded, it seems, with various signs that confirm desires and/or dreams I've held since childhood. I am truly amazed with the sense of peace I have now, after all of these years. After speaking with a friend, my issue is that I expected the problem to change, just because the location changed. NOT!! It's so much more difficult to journey internally than to pack up and move. It's harder to say to someone you care about that the words they speak are painful.
This past weekend, I was truly challenged to see the good in many of my choices and to remember my consequences. I cannot control genetics or how they manifest in my children. I cannot control when and if someone else works to enlightment me on an old subject. I can't escape the consequences by hanging out with people who really don't reflect who I am. I can't make it right by seeking solace in people who have consistently hurt me. I am inflicting way more pain than I deserve.
I never intended to hurt myself like this. However, feelings of serious abandonment and tokenism have eroded alot of my self-esteem. I never really felt good enough. It's only now, in my 37th year, that I sit with these feelings and see the source. I never allowed myself to really feel/experience the feelings and then let them go. I lived vicariously, until it got to where I couldn't either run from it or bury it.
I always intended to be a teacher and the founder of a school, much like my HS. My grandmother and my great-great aunt were teachers. We all share the same first name. Education was a passion for me, even in elementary school. I allowed other people to tell me what I couldn't do. I also used marriage and divorce as a way to escape fm my long-term goals. I idolized my teachers. It was that fire that brought me back to teach at my HS. I knew I could really reach the girls, b/c I had been there.
Now, the opportunity presents itself again, for me to really step back into myself. I see the interconnectedness between my new church home and a local private school. The minister is also a teacher. The counselor at my daughter's middle school could pass for my grandmother's twin. My English prof, last semester, asked me why I was there, if my goals were so different. I even spoke with another friend who asked me why I wasn't building my own school!!!
I have been afraid to be a teacher, especially an English teacher, b/c I have so much to learn and so much to impart. I love the English language and literature. I am a poet. I didn't believe I had the authority to truly impart my passion within a structured environment. I always thought of myself as an artist who could teach, not as a teacher who is an artist. My mother became my anti-teaching catalyst, b/c she rarely shared a love of the work she did for 17 years. She accomplished some things, but not what she desired. I truly do not want to ever walk away fm a job without some sense of satisfaction. So now, I sit, on the brink of sending out resumes to teach again.
I left an MAT program, b/c I really wanted to do something different. I sold books and magazines door-to-door. I got married. He joined the Marines. We had a child. We got divorced. I immediately went back to teaching. Then, after a year or so, I decided I needed a change and joined the Coast Guard. Even though I was in administration, my passion came from teaching my shipmates about mulitculturalism. After a 3 year hiatus, I went to work in a daycare center, as an administrator. Yes, I was in the classroom, too. I worked there for 3 years. Although I'm not a fan of teaching the little ones, I know how important it is.
I moved to Greensboro with the intention of getting my MFA in poetry, which changed to an MA in Liberal Studies, and settled into a teaching license in English. I wasn't comfy with giving up on the Masters, at all, but I had to do something. I also worked part-time, at another daycare center, where I was, again, a teacher. I was frustrated that I was hired as the Asst. Director and ended up teaching. I was also frustrated that what I was teaching had no curriculum. I just felt like it wasn't the right fit.
I've applied to all kinds of jobs, mostly in educational administration. I am challenged to see myself outside of education. My former boss consistently worked to put me in a classroom and I was very resistent. My issue was the age of the children, not the subject matter. So, coming full circle, I "discover" an MAT program with teacher licensure in English through NC State and positions are opening up in the public schools near me.
Things that are making me go Hmmmm.
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