Are you a servant to your choices?

It's not one of those things that I could walk away fm today, as I laid in my bed, fighting waves of pain. I chose to rest today, instead of my usual 3rd row seat. The pain is just a manifestation of choices I promised myself I'd not make again. Yes, I look at it like that. I can't blame anyone else for repeatedly putting me in situations I know don't reflect me.

Over the past few months, I've seen some great and positive changes happen for me. I've also seen evidences that I am still working to make myself fit where I am niether wanted nor belong. As I settled into what I thought was a great rhythm of my new life, I'd slipped back into the same habits that hurt me. The fact is that none knows me as well as I do. I've taken on the advice of others, to be more like them or more open to newer/different experiences. It doesn't work. There's a pattern of accepting differences in my life and it hasn't been a positive thing. Let me clarify, I love the fact that everyone is different and that each person walks his/her own path. IT doesn't mean that I will or have to walk with him/her for any length of time.

I know the meaning of relationship and how reciprocity is essential to its survival. This is a mantra I live by. Guilt eats away at me, if I feel I am not giving as much or if I owe someone. Unfortunately, for me, I've been the one people use. I'm the one hungry for acceptance, so I fall victim to people and situations that are temporary fixes for that. I won't tell anyone how I feel. I'll hold it in, blow up, or walk away. My resolution is that I learned something from it, so I am okay. I, then, define the relationship by it's distance, both physical and emotional.

My choices have led me on an adventure I'd never thought I'd live. I appreciate free choice so much more now. No, I'm not where I want to be emotionally, but they, that know me, will only see that in my actions, never to hear it in my voice. If acceptance is as conditional as a limited warranty, I don't want it. I'll continue to live my life at a comfortable distance fm the rest of the world. I am committed to completing the missions I've chosen/been given. I have to learn to seriously let go....