Amazing Steps

I have spent my absence surveying the things and people taking precedence in my life. We all ask why? We all ask if they could be in a different order or how our life would be, without them. Human relationships and how to manage them is an art, not an exact science, that evolves with every person. This may not sound like rocket science, but there's a fine line you walk in every relationship. The boundaries you set last time may not be applicable this time. The truth of who you are may be better expressed without the rigidity of previous expectations. Hmm. We are creatures of habit. These habits create a comfort zone and getting outside of it can be beneficial. It usually brings me back to what I already know. I like what I like.

I am not good at relationships and I can't blame it on anyone. If children mirror the relationships in thier lives, my parents weren't the greatest. They did the best they could and I still cannot justify thier choices, great or small. The physical and emotional distance I had/have with them have influenced how I have relationships. The death of my grandmother, at 15, left me empty and without coping skills. I will never replace her or her love. I spent alot of time working to be like her and to make her proud. I didn't see how being myself was enough.

Recently, I believed that announcing what you wanted will get it, especially in a new relationship. If I set up boundaries, then I can't get hurt and everyone is playing the same game. I failed to acknowledge my own cravings for something more, no matter if it's more time, more attn, or more money. I fell into the trap that independence brings and the jargon of my supposed strength. I didn't settle. I felt as if this is all I needed, b/c my life is too busy for anything more. And, I convinced myself that I needn't ask for me. I convinced myself of imaginary obligation and strange ties. I lost myself in the distance I continously create between me and friends/family. I use distance to keep fm feeling. It helps me compartmentalize and keep it moving. It's the same as my gypsy lifestyle. If it gets old or has too much drama, I'll move.

All the while, I'd become deeper and deeper involved in church activities. They provide a means for me to express myself musically and give my children safer activities. I didn't expect to be as deeply involved. I learned, early on, to go in and get the job done. I was there to make friends, really. If I have a task or vision, I work to accomplish it. There was angst, as I am a person who enjoys order. There was alot I saw I could fix/help with, etc, but I was running into discord and questions about my experience, etc.

My body had developed new allergies and pains. Since I don't listen or visit drs until I am deathly ill, I took it as a lil' aging and alot of superwoman complex. I know now that it was no accident. When things aren't right, they aren't right.

Although I have a sense of comfort where I am, I am not authentic there. Some things just aren't me and I've worked with them, struggled with how to integrate them into my philosophy. The fact remains it's not me. Other parts of my life are working well and I am grateful. How I handle people, I meant that, is very reflective of where I am. How much time I invest with a person is supposed to be reflective of importance. I have spent the past year around some new folks in my life who really don't know me and others who are quickly getting to see all facets.

Same Path, different Rocks

Amazingly, transformation comes not when we work at it. It happens when we learn that the trees have shadows and these shadows look like something new. They aren't. Our lives are as cyclic as the seasons, but we fail to recognize the patterns. When we choose not to see, we choose to continue the cycles we so desperately yearn to be free of.

The body demands a certain level of exercise, rest, and fuel to function. It seems like we have, at some point, pushed our concepts to eat more or less, run farther or be stronger. When we make changes to the normal routine, the body adjusts. As we age, we do not recover as well. Aging teaches us how to appreciate who we can and can't reasonably do.

Working out is a transformation of the same body we were born with. Nothing about our bodies physical make up changes. IT's not like we grow new muscles. We just use what we have differently and more intensely. The muscles do grow, but they will retract to thier original size if we don't use them.

I've had seasons where taking care of my body was priority and others where taking care of others took precedence. When I allow anything else to distract me fm me, my body lets me know with semblences of dis-ease, often labelled as fibromyalgia. It manifests into asthma and other infections. My nails break an d I begin to lose my voice. Foods that I enjoy now cause allergic reactions.

If we subscribe to the theory that there's nothing new, just a new approach and that dis-ease has a pyscho-emotional root, then the path will never change. The rocks now have new shadows but are the same rocks we saw last year or 20 years ago.

Are you a servant to your choices?

It's not one of those things that I could walk away fm today, as I laid in my bed, fighting waves of pain. I chose to rest today, instead of my usual 3rd row seat. The pain is just a manifestation of choices I promised myself I'd not make again. Yes, I look at it like that. I can't blame anyone else for repeatedly putting me in situations I know don't reflect me.

Over the past few months, I've seen some great and positive changes happen for me. I've also seen evidences that I am still working to make myself fit where I am niether wanted nor belong. As I settled into what I thought was a great rhythm of my new life, I'd slipped back into the same habits that hurt me. The fact is that none knows me as well as I do. I've taken on the advice of others, to be more like them or more open to newer/different experiences. It doesn't work. There's a pattern of accepting differences in my life and it hasn't been a positive thing. Let me clarify, I love the fact that everyone is different and that each person walks his/her own path. IT doesn't mean that I will or have to walk with him/her for any length of time.

I know the meaning of relationship and how reciprocity is essential to its survival. This is a mantra I live by. Guilt eats away at me, if I feel I am not giving as much or if I owe someone. Unfortunately, for me, I've been the one people use. I'm the one hungry for acceptance, so I fall victim to people and situations that are temporary fixes for that. I won't tell anyone how I feel. I'll hold it in, blow up, or walk away. My resolution is that I learned something from it, so I am okay. I, then, define the relationship by it's distance, both physical and emotional.

My choices have led me on an adventure I'd never thought I'd live. I appreciate free choice so much more now. No, I'm not where I want to be emotionally, but they, that know me, will only see that in my actions, never to hear it in my voice. If acceptance is as conditional as a limited warranty, I don't want it. I'll continue to live my life at a comfortable distance fm the rest of the world. I am committed to completing the missions I've chosen/been given. I have to learn to seriously let go....