I have spent my absence surveying the things and people taking precedence in my life. We all ask why? We all ask if they could be in a different order or how our life would be, without them. Human relationships and how to manage them is an art, not an exact science, that evolves with every person. This may not sound like rocket science, but there's a fine line you walk in every relationship. The boundaries you set last time may not be applicable this time. The truth of who you are may be better expressed without the rigidity of previous expectations. Hmm. We are creatures of habit. These habits create a comfort zone and getting outside of it can be beneficial. It usually brings me back to what I already know. I like what I like.
I am not good at relationships and I can't blame it on anyone. If children mirror the relationships in thier lives, my parents weren't the greatest. They did the best they could and I still cannot justify thier choices, great or small. The physical and emotional distance I had/have with them have influenced how I have relationships. The death of my grandmother, at 15, left me empty and without coping skills. I will never replace her or her love. I spent alot of time working to be like her and to make her proud. I didn't see how being myself was enough.
Recently, I believed that announcing what you wanted will get it, especially in a new relationship. If I set up boundaries, then I can't get hurt and everyone is playing the same game. I failed to acknowledge my own cravings for something more, no matter if it's more time, more attn, or more money. I fell into the trap that independence brings and the jargon of my supposed strength. I didn't settle. I felt as if this is all I needed, b/c my life is too busy for anything more. And, I convinced myself that I needn't ask for me. I convinced myself of imaginary obligation and strange ties. I lost myself in the distance I continously create between me and friends/family. I use distance to keep fm feeling. It helps me compartmentalize and keep it moving. It's the same as my gypsy lifestyle. If it gets old or has too much drama, I'll move.
All the while, I'd become deeper and deeper involved in church activities. They provide a means for me to express myself musically and give my children safer activities. I didn't expect to be as deeply involved. I learned, early on, to go in and get the job done. I was there to make friends, really. If I have a task or vision, I work to accomplish it. There was angst, as I am a person who enjoys order. There was alot I saw I could fix/help with, etc, but I was running into discord and questions about my experience, etc.
My body had developed new allergies and pains. Since I don't listen or visit drs until I am deathly ill, I took it as a lil' aging and alot of superwoman complex. I know now that it was no accident. When things aren't right, they aren't right.
Although I have a sense of comfort where I am, I am not authentic there. Some things just aren't me and I've worked with them, struggled with how to integrate them into my philosophy. The fact remains it's not me. Other parts of my life are working well and I am grateful. How I handle people, I meant that, is very reflective of where I am. How much time I invest with a person is supposed to be reflective of importance. I have spent the past year around some new folks in my life who really don't know me and others who are quickly getting to see all facets.
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