Feb U Are Worth it

A new month presents the challenge to begin anew, to tackle some internal struggle. I played with doing a new journal with inspirational thoughts. That fizzled. Instead, I've been quiet enough to hear the messages. Friends, who don't know each other, echo sentiments. They are more than encouraging. They demand I hear the universe through them. It comes in conversations. It came in an astrology workshop. It even came in group therapy.

My worthiness tastes like I'll never deserve to be happy. It's sour and thrilling, as if I am watching from the top of the roller coaster. The twists and turns come fast. I still leave the turnstile alone. Roller coasters used to be my greatest escape. Then, I stopped riding. It wasn't becoming of who I was supposed to be.

I've spent so much time inside someone else's box, I assume I am not enough. This is why I see the humanity hiding behind a monster's actions. That light is all I need to see. Where did that come from? 

Psychology says I was born into it. Circumstances molded me. My bloodline talks out either side of its neck. I am both great and no better than where I came from. I can't escape the violence. I can't educate my way out, without the greatest guilt.

And, then, there's Love. February is all about Love. I'm wired to remember past lovers with a smile, to forget others. Some became the blur of survival. Others are eternal. Loving is different when you're never sure if they love you. Or if you could ever love them grandly. 

To be hidden means two things. You love to be shown off and you prefer the dark to the light. My whole story has hidden parts, redacted, to make me more lovable. How do you love when this is your life? You accept the secrets nobody shares. You assume you will never fully know a person. You trust the moment without attachment. You love as openly as you can in a few slices of time. 

My most familiar is the distance that love brings. The distance from the top of the roller coaster back down to the bottom. Some say I'm worth more than the design of a passionate thrill. I deserve to be the ride everyone waits in line for. The highest point in the park. The reason people come out. I've performed for more strangers than friends or lovers.

Life has taught me how to injoy the ride in my preferred seat, either the first or last car. Love feels good in both. I don't want to be in the middle.