Same Path, different Rocks

Amazingly, transformation comes not when we work at it. It happens when we learn that the trees have shadows and these shadows look like something new. They aren't. Our lives are as cyclic as the seasons, but we fail to recognize the patterns. When we choose not to see, we choose to continue the cycles we so desperately yearn to be free of.

The body demands a certain level of exercise, rest, and fuel to function. It seems like we have, at some point, pushed our concepts to eat more or less, run farther or be stronger. When we make changes to the normal routine, the body adjusts. As we age, we do not recover as well. Aging teaches us how to appreciate who we can and can't reasonably do.

Working out is a transformation of the same body we were born with. Nothing about our bodies physical make up changes. IT's not like we grow new muscles. We just use what we have differently and more intensely. The muscles do grow, but they will retract to thier original size if we don't use them.

I've had seasons where taking care of my body was priority and others where taking care of others took precedence. When I allow anything else to distract me fm me, my body lets me know with semblences of dis-ease, often labelled as fibromyalgia. It manifests into asthma and other infections. My nails break an d I begin to lose my voice. Foods that I enjoy now cause allergic reactions.

If we subscribe to the theory that there's nothing new, just a new approach and that dis-ease has a pyscho-emotional root, then the path will never change. The rocks now have new shadows but are the same rocks we saw last year or 20 years ago.

Are you a servant to your choices?

It's not one of those things that I could walk away fm today, as I laid in my bed, fighting waves of pain. I chose to rest today, instead of my usual 3rd row seat. The pain is just a manifestation of choices I promised myself I'd not make again. Yes, I look at it like that. I can't blame anyone else for repeatedly putting me in situations I know don't reflect me.

Over the past few months, I've seen some great and positive changes happen for me. I've also seen evidences that I am still working to make myself fit where I am niether wanted nor belong. As I settled into what I thought was a great rhythm of my new life, I'd slipped back into the same habits that hurt me. The fact is that none knows me as well as I do. I've taken on the advice of others, to be more like them or more open to newer/different experiences. It doesn't work. There's a pattern of accepting differences in my life and it hasn't been a positive thing. Let me clarify, I love the fact that everyone is different and that each person walks his/her own path. IT doesn't mean that I will or have to walk with him/her for any length of time.

I know the meaning of relationship and how reciprocity is essential to its survival. This is a mantra I live by. Guilt eats away at me, if I feel I am not giving as much or if I owe someone. Unfortunately, for me, I've been the one people use. I'm the one hungry for acceptance, so I fall victim to people and situations that are temporary fixes for that. I won't tell anyone how I feel. I'll hold it in, blow up, or walk away. My resolution is that I learned something from it, so I am okay. I, then, define the relationship by it's distance, both physical and emotional.

My choices have led me on an adventure I'd never thought I'd live. I appreciate free choice so much more now. No, I'm not where I want to be emotionally, but they, that know me, will only see that in my actions, never to hear it in my voice. If acceptance is as conditional as a limited warranty, I don't want it. I'll continue to live my life at a comfortable distance fm the rest of the world. I am committed to completing the missions I've chosen/been given. I have to learn to seriously let go....