Worth is subjective. It's the sum total of the value, or lack there of, of our experiences. What if all those experiences taught you, told you you'd never be worthy? Are you always looking to sabotage your way out of relationships or are you forever proving your worthy? That slippery slope is my life.
I've been in recent conversations. They are cathartic. They are intimate. They are frighteningly distance. Each saying very similar things. My expectations far exceed my reality. I hide somewhere in between. I bring all the baggage I pretend I dropped off in the last relationship. I am yet grateful. I don't believe I'm worthy of more. The most I want is what others would call leftovers.
After my 2nd marriage failed, I swore off the the institution. I decided I wasn't bringing anyone home, unless he was truly worthy. A man of a certain caliber, status, etc to make up for my 3 children by 3 men. A man to prove I was worth loving in spite of myself. I never brought that man home. I dated and was in long term relationships. Nobody saw them, outside my children.
Was it shame? Was I that embarrassed? Did I think my family was that bad? I just knew their standards. If I didn't meet them, I knew the men I dated wouldn't. I dated men who seemed to like me. I fit. I looked the part. I was low maintenance. I didn't ask for much. They could depend on me. Kinda a Ride or Die. Even after that, I still wasn't worthy. I expected that giving me what I could was going to turn into something more. I was ill-equipped to do more. I didn't and don't know how to ask.
And, then, I tumbled into this almost in love. That's when I run. Ghost. Pack up. I'm gone. I've delivered the messages from the universe. I've healed them. I've seen my capacity and his. Men always want someone other than who I show them. Being me isn't worth that further investment.
So, I don't meet the family. He won't meet mine. We won't do holidays or gift exchanges. Even with all the professions of how important I am, I get absence. I've never know the Alicia Keys, Unbreakable, type of love. My marriages had so much space in them. We spent more time apart than together. So, that became the blueprint. A man living with me was more of a rescue or a demand, rather than an agreement. I was only worth what I could provide. Or my need to be close wasn't even in his thoughts. Needless to say, that didn't last long, a matter of months.
The men who find me worthy enough, ambush me into meeting the family, are often the ones I didn't choose. They chose me. I should feel valid, right? Nope. I feel trophied. I feel like I'm a step up. I feel worthless. I'd rather not meet anyone, if all I am is a fulfillment.
I'd rather be alone than to feel worthless or, at best, transactional. I'd rather pretend to know my worth, running away, than to stay and prove it. I don't know my worth. I do know I'm worth more than that.
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